Sex education more urgent with kids growing up faster

My daughter had her first period recently, and I thought, "Wow! She's grown up so quickly."

Then I realised my little girl had turned into a woman. In scientific terms, she is now a "fertile female".

To me, she's still just a little kid who spends her free time watching the Cartoon Network and playing computer games, has no interest in boys and refuses to sleep alone. But she is also becoming a woman, and it leaves me in a dilemma about when to tell her about boys.

I can't recall what my own mother had to say to me back then. Sex was not part of the essential parenting agenda of that time, and in fact it's still not a priority. And if there had been anything said at all, it would be like what my friend in her 50s told me:

"I remember discussing periods with my grandma, and she told me, 'When you have a period, don't sit near a man on the bus; otherwise, you'll get pregnant like chickens - with a 'khai lom' [literally, an 'air egg', or unfertilised egg]. So one day I told my mum I'd not had my period for two months and that I thought I was pregnant. Mum was horrified! She asked how it happened. I said I sat near a man on the bus. My mother knew it must be my grandma's tale."

Such a trick was quite handy in the old days, but it's obsolete for today's teens. Our children's lifestyle is not the one we knew. They grow up faster now and seem to start everything sooner.

Parents like me find it easier to pretend that sex has nothing to do with children than to talk about it. Because sex in Thailand, even in the 21st century, is still a dirty word. We hardly ever talk openly about it among adults, let alone with kids.

But we know there's a chance our children will have problems without a basic knowledge of sex. And it's heartbreaking to learn that so many girls facing an unwanted pregnancy are as young as the ones running around in your own home or neighbourhood.

One study showed that 43 per cent of young mothers in "emergency homes" were 14-20 years old, with another 34.7 per cent were under 14 and in secondary school. We tend to view victims of inadequate sex education as only "kids", but under the rules of science, once you have your first period, you can conceive.

The sooner the better in preventing children from falling victim to their own immature acts, I guess. We have to do it ourselves, because our education system still considers sex taboo as a topic. It was not until secondary school that I studied sexual organs and why we girls menstruated and only then because I took science. The students in the arts programme hardly learned anything about the facts of life.

And things haven't changed much today; this rather delicate subject rests solely on the parents' shoulders. Not to my surprise, the Family Network Foundation reports that most parents are uncomfortable teaching sex education themselves. Worse still, schoolteachers who teach health-related subjects tend to lack the confidence to teach about sex. That means every child relies solely on parents like me for their sex education. But coming to our rescue is a parental guide to children's sex education to be released by the foundation and based on the results of a pilot project they conducted with participating parents and their teenagers. It is like a drop of water in the desert and probably a good start for someone like me who is still lost. Where and how to start with a daughter as young as 11?

I'd like to extend my compliments to the foundation on its practical approach, especially its criticism towards policy-makers who are still fighting a "rearguard action". I couldn't have agreed more when the foundation pinpointed what is perhaps the heart of the problem: policy-makers don't take sexual education seriously. Remember that controversial "Khu Mue Wai Sai" - a sex guide for teenagers - that was cancelled because critics said it contained inappropriate content? Many believed it encouraged children to have sex instead of protecting them. There's been no similar project since.

As usual, the Education Ministry responded quickly to the sad facts of the research results cited above but still kept firmly to its rearguard action. Its so-called "aggressive measures", emphasising the prevention of sexual assault against schoolchildren, are far from impressive. Nothing has been said about how to avoid premature sex among students. In brief, the ministry doesn't believe sex education is really needed.

Policy-makers are a rather nostalgic lot, and they may not quite understand that society as they knew it in their youth has changed. We grew up with black-and-white television and watched Thai and Bollywood films, while our kids are bombarded with Hollywood flicks and sensational soap operas. We had only public telephones and no inkling that phones would ever be mobile. We learned from textbooks, while our children can search for anything they're interested in on the Net. Any policy or action plan based on the old school of thought would not be practical in this new media age.

At 11, my girl is, of course, closely monitored, and I always know what she's up to. But in a few years, I'm not certain if I'll still know what she does after school, whom she chats with on MSN or which websites she visits. Since it will be impossible for me to follow her every step, I'd rather make her knowledgeable about sex. At the very least, I can demonstrate how premature sex and an unwanted pregnancies ruin young girls' lives. I'll try my best to tell her that sex is not dirty or taboo, but rather something she can enjoy once she's a grown-up and mature enough.

I am, however, faced with a dilemma about whether to teach my little girl about condoms and birth-control pills or trust to my luck and pray she'll be a smart kid. As for you parents with sons, I think it would not cost anything for them to learn how to use a condom, as well as that they could ruin more than one life by fathering a child before the proper time.

Teens need their own gathering places

To many parents, Centre Point in Siam Square is not an ideal place where they'd like their offspring to hang out. The more they've heard about the kind of freedom the youngsters enjoy there, the less they tend to give their approval.

It's true that any place where teens gather may open an opportunity for drugs, alcohol and premature sex. But we all have to face it: whether there is a place like Centre Point or not, we have these social problems.

It is the right way, though, of going about ridding society of its vices to curb the growth of gathering places for young people?

Should we jump to the conclusion that a girl wearing her favourite spaghetti-strap top is looking for casual sex?

Clearly grownups use their own yardsticks to judge the behaviour of their offspring, forgetting what they themselves were like when in their teens. In the 1960s, Thai teens used to hang around the back of Sala Chalermkrung Theatre. They too were in the fashionable outfits of their time. And as we've seen in many films: boys wore bell bottoms, girls hoop skirts.

In more recent memory, young executives now may recall the fun days when they went dancing at The Palace discotheque, hung around at Siam Centre or drank at the Kloster Beer Garden.

So what is really different in the lifestyles of young people of these two or three generations? Everyone at that age loves freedom and likes to find a place where they can express it.

They value friendships - a vital part of their lives. And they love to have fun. No doubt this is why the Centre Point of Siam Square has been so successful over the past five years. Pornpailin Development created the place specifically to respond to young people's needs.

Perhaps it's true that Centre Point is receptive ground for social vices, and the accusations of prostitution in the area may not be groundless. But there are two different issues here. If society or the government wants to put and end to prostitution, the primary target is certainly not Centre Point.

Youngsters may express their love by hugging and kissing in public. Yet such affection is a different issue from sex and prostitution.

Society may be able to persuade youngsters to behave properly by adopting a constructive approach, but to condemn them for expressing innocent feelings is not fair.

Broken hearts have produced a significant rise in violence among teens, perhaps because they are more fragile than former generations.

Perhaps they have been under stress from the cradle while parents were out busy working. Or were they unduly pressured to achieve academic excellence to earn their parents' admiration? No one can tell.

Yet in most of cases where violence has erupted, the teenagers involved did not appear to have been problem children for their parents. They studied hard and behaved themselves. There were no records of crime or drug use. Most had one thing in common: they followed the lead of their parents and society.

Society is now looking for ways to curb teen violence by raising teens' morale, so why don't we simply allow them to search for their own identities by giving them space to express their freedom openly and with the consent of adults?

Open public places like Centre Point may not be a parent's dream. However, it is a practical and safe choice. Whether we like it or not, its chief benefit is that the venue is accessible.

If we have fewer and fewer public spheres which youngsters consider their own, we will lose touch with them. They will retreat to places parents have no inkling of. In that case, the damage will have been done even before we know that these places exist.

So while we are building a civil society, please let us not exclude young people. They too want their own space. They too want to enjoy their civil liberties.

Let them love life under our guidance. Let them have their open place to go wild with their own mode of dress.

Whatever we do, let us open our minds and be fair. After all, what they are doing now is what we went through when we were young.

And they may seek out other places than Centre Point.

Published on Jul 19, 2003