Do you think you have what it takes to be an LNH?

I am a Lady of Nakhon Heaven (LNH). Don’t be startled; it’s a relatively new title. LNHs are, in brief, women who understand democracy and realise its benefits. Living life as an LNH is a dream: you receive special privileges from the authorities, apart from universal healthcare and stuff like that, which everybody gets.

I didn’t initially know there was such a sisterhood until a female colleague enlightened me. She informed me our beloved prime minister had, in a touching and straightforward speech, promised all women of Nakhon Heaven special funds from the state coffers. All we had to do was trust him, and he would reward us.

It turns out the talk of state funding has made women apply in droves for LNH membership. Not very surprising; we all love privilege, especially when there’s no price to pay, except for entrusting our future to our trustworthy leader.

Almost everyone I work with has an area of expertise: music, food, television, movies, theatre, etc. But not everyone knows how to become a successful LNH and derive endless benefits from the government.

I admit I’m a new face in Nakhon Heaven, but I’m working really hard to learn more about our domestic affairs and democracy. A thorough knowledge of the aforesaid is an essential qualification.

I’ll share with you a copy of a test I surreptitiously obtained from a state official. It will help you determine whether you are ready to be admitted into LNH circles. Please don’t tell anyone you got this from me.

1 Your ideal date would be ...

A) With Newin Chidchob, discussing how revealing all of the truth about the bird-flu outbreak could only cause disastrous panic.

B) With Panthongtae, who tells you his business plans and vigorously defends them against conflict-of-interest charges.

C) With Abhisit Vejjajiva, who lectures you on the value of making your voice, not just your vote, heard by the government.

2 Which of these prominent women is your role model?

A) Khunying Pojaman.

B) Sudarat Keyuraphan.

C) Khunying Jaruvan Maintaka.

3 Which of these activities will make you feel the most empowered?

A) Casting a vote for the “Thai Love Thai” party.

B) Rallying in front of City Hall in favour of legalised abortion.

C) Participating in public hearings about a project to empower women in politics.

4 Your dream election result is …

A) One ruling party.

B) A coalition Cabinet.

C) An effective opposition

5 How do you follow the country’s affairs?

A) With iTV, “Naiyok Thaksin Khui kab Prachachon” on Channel 11 and www.thairakthai.or.th.

B) With the “Muang Thai Rai Sappada” television programme and www.manager.co.th.

C) With the Nation News Channel, www.pantip.com and www.democrat.or.th.

6 A friend keeps asking to borrow money from you. You ...

A) Tell her not to come around and borrow money again if she votes for the ruling party.

B) Shrug it off and persuade her to register as a poor person, to get a low-interest loan.

C) Preach the principle of self-sufficiency to her.

7 Your concept of human rights is ...

A) Drug dealers deserve to die.

B) Press freedom has nothing to do with my personal well-being.

C) Democracy and human rights are closely linked.

8 The news that you would certainly skip on the paper’s front page involves …

A) Press freedom plunging in Thailand.

B) PM promising more village funds.

C) Miss Thailand World resigning her title.

9 What’s your idea of putting state money to good use?

A) Buying a luxurious Airbus for the prime minister and funding programmes in constituencies that vote for the ruling party.

B) Investing in mega-projects to modernise the country.

C) Spreading the money around equally for the whole country, because it came from taxpayers in every constituency.

10. An example of good governance is ...

A) Announcing a grand scheme to create a new province around a new airport. No environmental study needed, because waiting means lost opportunities.

B) Using state money to buy a foreign football club and build casinos. Again, no public hearings are necessary.

C) Supporting the opposition’s idea of extending the Skytrain two more kilometres. It’s a good initiative, although the project won’t be profitable, and an environmental study hasn’t been conducted.

Test results:

If your answers are all “A”, congratulations! You are absolutely a new LNH member who will surely get everything.

If your answers are mostly A, you will have a very high potential to become an LNH member if you try harder to study further.

If your answers are mostly B, you still can wait in line for LNH status, but be prepared to be a second-class citizen.

If most of your answers are C, then sorry, but you don’t stand a chance.

Published on November 05, 2005